Winter. It's finally drawing to a conclusion. I can see it in the world around me, hear it with the song of birds, and feel it in the sunshine. And in my spirit, I feel the pressing of God's hands, molding me once again. Or maybe I should say, "molding me,
still!"
In some of the deepest ways, this winter season has held much more intensity for me than any previous winters. It's spiritual dryness and emotional aloneness have forced me to seek my heavenly Father for survival in more seriousness than other times past. If I am honest, I have been brought once again to the foot of Golgotha; to find the one in whom my faith resides — and also to allow Him to find me, in my broken, doubting, and cynical state. These things embarrass me about myself but I should not be boasting in myself anyway; these flaws (among others) allow me to be grateful for His blood which covers a multitude of sins.
I have embraced my quiet days even in the midst of feeling isolation, because (in spite of my dark heart and flawed faith) I have felt the longing in my soul for connection with my creator, and have had an intense need to renew my recognition of my savior.
Thank you Father for giving me the desires of my heart; namely, a desire for You. The weeks have progressed and through my window, I see the same tree with its dead leaves clinging still to the branches. Snow falls and dresses them in graceful glittering gowns of white only to have the sun undress these leaves and reveal their brown once again. I watch from my warm cocoon, the narrative of winter; without even a burning fire on the hearth to remind me of warmer days to come.
And my heart is a little like these brown leaves. A little like the thief hanging on his tree on the hill of the skull. Shaking a little, hanging on a little, feeling some pain and numbness, and looking for belief that I can have a new life because of One greater than me.
I'm not really one for church traditions, in the mainstream way of advent, lent, easter, and so forth; they seem more like man made traditions and I still can't find them spelt out in scripture. I do however, believe that God created the times and seasons, and that he teaches us through His life cycles which are exemplified biblically as the "Feasts of the Lord." For anyone who has practiced these, you will understand what I mean, when I refer to the dry season of winter; there are no feasts from Sukkot to Pesach! From the natural realm of dirt, trees, and vegetation, to the spiritual realm which is exemplified in the biblical descriptions of the Kingdom of Heaven and displayed the hearts of men, winter is a season of hibernation. In all of creation we can see death in some form which is part of preparation for the growth and regeneration of spring.
Winter is a barren, quiet, and sometimes painful place; for me and many of those near and dear to me, this winter has been no exception to put it mildly! But, there is good that I can see, even on such a desolate plateau. Being in this season of hibernation draws us back to our source of life, our Creator. As I walk through each place of pain and suffering it causes me to once again wrestle with some of the great questions in life. And although I may not find the answers for which I am looking, this search brings me closer to sprouting with hope, and life again. Yes, I don't find answers, but I again find my utter dependence on God, and my need for faith in Him. Faith in a good God, who loves me and made a way for me to know and love Him. And also to live a life that honors Him and brings His light into the lives of my family and others who come into my path.
With Pesach just around the bend, I am feeling the sifting of God's spirit cleaning the leaven out of my heart. These final days of purging still hold a tinge of affliction, but I can also feel the growth of hope, that His salvation is here! I am getting excited for Passover, and ready to start the housecleaning that reminds me of how my gracious Father is cleaning me. I anticipate eating the Passover meal and remembering my deliverance from Egypt; drinking the wine, and eating the bread in remembrance of my Lord and Saviour, Yeshua from Nazareth, my Messiah, the Light of the World. And when I think of these things, my hope is renewed, and I find joy again, in the God of my salvation.
Waterdeep sings it so well —
"You have redeemed my soul
From the pit of emptiness
You have redeemed my soul
From death
You have redeemed my soul
From the pit of emptiness
You have redeemed my soul
From death
"I was a hungry child
A dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But You put food in my body
Water in my dry bed
And to my blackened branches,
You brought the springtime
Green of a new life
And nothing is impossible
For You
"Now, You have redeemed my soul
From the pit of emptiness
You have redeemed my soul
From death"
© Jena Rutan 2010. All rights reserved.
Scripture references are from the NASB.
