Since our cross country move, I have been especially contemplative. Wait; is that true? I am usually contemplative. Well, however it works out, I suppose that now I have more time to realize I am craving uninterrupted thinking, because I don't have so much busy work to keep me focused like the chisel I was a few short months ago!
Seriously though, (before time is up), I have really been processing brokenness, disjointedness, and all the other 'nesses that contribute to my daily life in such indirect ways. These sad places affect my mood, deep down in my soul, and as they churn like the whirlpool in an underground aqueduct, my husband feels occasional spurts of a "hot spring"! Too bad though, because he thinks he's just walking in a park and doesn't realize he is about to get hit by a geyser! I'm really trying to peel back these exterior shells and let God tend to my wounded places; I don't want to blast the people I love most. I've seen the damage that causes and it is devastating.
One great thing, is that we are learning to communicate better — and love each other more effectively. This is such a huge bonus and I'm really grateful to God for helping me and bringing me together with such a strong and gracious man. He really loves me and wants the best for me, and that is such an asset when I feel on the verge of my own little tantrum — worse than a toddler to be certain, because it is louder!
Sometimes, I really miss certain places, times, experiences, and people that have been woven through the tapestry of my life. I mean, sometimes it hits me more than others. I've always been a pretty sentimental and sensitive person. It's difficult for me to always say or express how I feel, and that is why I write. For me, this is the easiest way to see all of my thoughts become more organized, and to really pour out my heart. I have such vivid memories of childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, and so on. Music really helps me tune in with those times, places, and people from which I am now removed.
Mostly, I want to focus on enjoying each daily moment to it's maximum capacity. I know that it won't be long until these days will be the memories I will hold near and dear as well; listening to music just so that I can close my eyes and remember the feelings again. There has always been an awareness for me, that this life is actually much shorter than I can imagine. Therefore, it is of supreme importance that I maximize my time here especially in sharing my days, life, and heart with other people. Helping others is an important value which I am constantly trying to improve upon. Usually, this is much more practical than difficult but not always.
Yeshua taught us to love God with all our hearts, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. It's actually funny, because after you move past the initial easy and practical level of "loving" someone (like giving a stranger food) the way some of my 'neighbors' feel love, isn't the same way I do (this goes for spouses too!). So even when I reach out, in a way that I see is the epitome of generosity, it may be perceived or misread in another way. As I have come to realize this with each developing friendship and the passing years, I am coming to also realize that it is the same for everyone else. All this to say, I want to be more gracious with others when I don't understand.
Beyond my words can fully articulate here, I really appreciate the people and times that have become intrinsic parts of my being. I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude to God for bringing me into interaction with the wonderful people He has. I have felt His love because of His people and I would not be able to give so freely of myself or even dare to love God as much if it weren't for the many other people who have poured their hearts and experiences out into my life. I feel like part of a great mass of people; all lovers of our Divine Creator (and indeed, I AM part of the massive body of believers). I see it as a hugely dramatic undertaking, comparable to the carrying of the Olympic torch. There are some moments in my life, when I have felt the presence of something awesome; something of which I am merely a small part.
We are all involved in something tremendous, and that is the ushering in of our Messiah. Yes, He is returning to this humble planet we are stewarding. With each moment of obedience to love our neighbors in both small and large ways, we prove our love for our Heavenly Father. These pieces of gold, are laid out as rose petals on a wedding day, and they prepare the way for the King of Heaven to once again walk these streets. As we display our humble submission, Yeshua is enthroned in our hearts and this, like a breath of relief from heaven, opens doors we cannot see, but can only feel in moments of quiet discernment. In loving selflessly, we rebuild people, and these people are the very living stones which build the Temple of God.
All this to say a kind thank you to my dear family and friends who have loved me without expectation, other than the expectation that God's faithfulness would cause your seeds of love to grow. Your patience and generous outpouring, have enabled me in some ways, to be a part of the Kingdom of Heaven. I have felt the love of God through you, and have seen the eyes of tenderness because of you. What would a foot be without a toe? I am so grateful to be a part of the family of God.
© Jena Rutan 2010. All rights reserved.
Scripture references are from the NASB.
